This page is brought to you by the OWL at Purdue (http://owl.english.purdue.edu/). When printing this page, you must include the entire legal notice at bottom.
From the OWL resource Revision in Business Writing
Language: Revising for Conciseness and Clarity
Have I used ONLY the essential words to get my message across to the reader?
Wordy: Sale of surplus tappers is one of our primary
needs. (10)
Concise: We must sell our surplus tappers. (6)
Wordy: This manual of instructions was prepared to aid
our dealers in being helpful to their customers. (16)
Concise: We prepared this instruction manual to help our
dealers serve their customers. (12)
Wordy: It is the responsibility of our Production
Department to see that it meets the requirements of our Sales Division.
(19)
Concise: Our Production Department must meet our Sales
Division's requirements. (9)
Have I used too many words to express simple, unimportant, or obvious ideas?
Wordy: The collision had the effect of a destructive
force on the duplicator. (12)
Concise: The collision destroyed the duplicator. (5)
Wordy: We have enclosed a pamphlet which shows further
details of construction on page four. (14)
Concise: Page four of the enclosed pamphlet shows further
construction details. (10)
Wordy: Three days ago you asked us to investigate the
problem of discomfort among your office workers. . . We have made our
study. Too low humidity is apparently the main cause of your problem. Your
building is steam-heated; therefore, your solution is to. . . (41)
Concise: Too low humidity is apparently the cause of your
workers' discomfort. Since your building is steam-heated, your solution is
to . . . (21)
Have I poured out ideas and facts too rapidly for the reader's comprehension?
Negative Example
Our deluxe models have chromium, rubber-insulated fixtures for durability, economy, and easy maintenance, and convenient controls to cut down on installation costs and necessary adjustments. They operate on AC or DC current and incorporate the latest principles of electronic controls which means flexibility in their use, better adjustment of the thermal units, less chance of error, and reduced labor costs per unit of production.
Have I used vague words instead of more vivid and convincing specific words?
Vague: contact
Specific: call, write, visit
Vague: slowly
Specific about as fas as you normally walk
Vague: soon
Specific: by March 15
Vague: This television set is high queality.
Specific: All components in this television set meet or
exeed government specifications for use in manned satellites.
Have I keyed the language to my reader's understanding?
Excessive, Overwritten: The defendant is renowned as a
person of intemperate habits. He is known to partake heavily of
intoxicating beverages. Further, he cultivates the company of others of
the distaff side, and wholly, regularly, and consistently refuses and
abstains from earnest endeavors to gain remuneration.
Accessible, Direct: The defendant drinks, chases other
women, and refuses to work.
Ecessive, Overwritten: The choice of exogenous variables
in relation to multi-collinearity is contingent upon the derivations of
certain multiple correlation coefficients.
Accesible, Direct Supply determines demand.